Sometimes I feel like all I'm really good for is sex. I feel like being good in bed is my only redeemable quality.

I slept over Birol's place, had sex yes, and since its a weekend [we haven't had a weekend together, not counting ramadan, in quite some time] we sat down and had breakfast. I made french toast and made it as turkish a set up as possible with cheese and bread and olives, like we use to do back in May in his old apartment.

You know, him saying that whatever amount of happiness I saw him feel this weekend was a sexually based "artificial" one was bad enough, but for him to say it repeatedly, thats low.

I'm giving myself until the end of the term to get over him totally, to equal 1/2 the time of the relationship, I think I might be able to since I've made great progress in 1 month. I cant be totally over him in some respects though, father of my child and all, but maybe when I go out during winter break I will makeout with some random dude and be ok with it, dare I say even fuck someone new? Thats always where it goes, sex, just sex, never loved, not treated like shit necessarily, but to be loved is beyond me, I dont know why.

P.S. Swear right here, but last time we had sex before this weekend I clear as a bell heard him say "Canim Benim" and the last time we had sex before the breakup I could have sworen that he said "I love you" during sex. I shouldnt take these as a serious sign of affection rather than him getting confused near orgasm but.....

My last entry was crap, I didn't know why I wrote that, see on the 10th in the early morning my mother called and told me that my grandmother died the previous night so I rushed home. The funeral was on Monday and went as well as one could possibly imagine. See, we have here an 87 year old woman who at the time of death had 7-8 great grand kids [my cousin is 3 months along, if you want to count that as 8th, but its a boy so thats pretty big], so this is certainly not a tragic case, a woman who lived a long life, its just sad, a reminder of how quick it can go [she wasn't sick, it all happened and ended within 1 day].  I cried a bit, here and there, and I'm currently wearing her gold eye necklace, its just when you thin about the little things in life thats when it happens.  She use to trim my pants for me [I'm really short so the pants have to be cut] so when I shop for pants I'll think of her and last night, Birol was telling me what kind of sugary cake they had at Burcu's birthday which reminded me of my nieces sugary cake but then I realized that thats the last thing I ate when I went to my grandmother's place [last time I saw her] and I nearly teared right there like I am now.

And about Birol, he kindly picked me up from Greyhound when I came back to school on Tuesday [in a Benz no less] and after my class and dinner I noticed he called me, I called back and he asked me to spend the night, so I did, and have two more nights since [that Friday/Saturday and last night/this morning]. See, its weird, of course the sex would still be good because we work together really well sexually, but it weird that he's the same level of romantic. Holds me throughout the night, constant kissing, etc etc, it makes me feel a false sense of him still loving me. He told me that there is a Turkish girl that he has feelings for ["thinking of"] which offends me only because its been 1 month, and a crazy fucking one at that.  I just don't think that he gave enough time to just respect this relationship, not to mention, he told me that he waited 9 years between girlfriends [though yes he got laid in between] and now he found one after barely a month? Suspicious, no?

My bill at Express went from 14 to 25 to 48 to 25 to 48 and that is where it is staying, fucking assholes.

Anyway...

Not Birol related:

i just wantd to leave the city but if you dont want me around and theres nothing to do anyway that seems kinda stupid
vikki, i understand wanting to leave the city and i do want you around
10:30pmVikki  i guess i'll go to atlantic city with my mom :p
10:31pmMariya  but having a lot to read/do does not equal nothing to do
10:31pmVikki  i mean nothing to do in terms of going anywhere i have a lot of stuff to do during the day maybe i'll look for friends on craigslist again :p
10:32pmMariya when did you do that?
10:32pmVikki  september hehe just to try it out which picture should i sent to internet folk do you suggest
10:33pmMariya  you have a strange ability to not be able to sit still a nonsexual picture
10:34pmVikki  i just feel like im wasting too much time if im sitting still i know
10:34pmMariya  i dont see why you would think with all the work you have to do that going to bed somewhat early is wasting time wasting time as oppose to not wasting but what is nonwasting activities
10:36pmVikki  well i dont have that much work to do this is my last weekend of freedom and its a long weekend which is why i want to go but i do have stories/articles to write and books to read but thats just usual next week deadlines start
10:38pmMariya  i was talking in general, not just this weekend
10:38pmVikki  well i just dont like having weekends pass by without a memory of doing something fun
10:38pmMariya  and i wish i would have the time to devote to you but when i have this much work i can spend 7 straight hours in the library easy with the only breaks being lunch and peeing
10:38pmVikki  that makes life seen boring
10:39pmMariya  youre 21 and you will live to at least 85 and if you wont have kids thats even better, you have pleanty of weeks to make up for it
10:39pmVikki  its only fun when ur in your 20s lol after u cant move much its not fun anymore
10:39pmMariya  no you just need to shift activities slightly
10:40pmVikki  and plus u lose ur sense of adventure as u get older not to be mean, but i dont know how much of a sense of adventure you ever had since you grew up so fast but it def diminished with time as u have more responsibillities in life when im out of school i wont have a chance to waste weekends since ill prob be working all the time.
10:41pmMariya  i dont think clubbing and adventure are the same things
10:41pmVikki  ive grown out of clubbing lol
10:41pmMariya  good
10:41pmVikki  and i wasnt speaking of that specifically just trying different things and not drug wise either since i know you've experimented :P
10:41pmMariya  what dont i try otherwise?
10:41pmVikki  i dont know what i mean specifically but i would not say you are the adventerous type not that i am either but i do think you are calmer about things and think more about everything you do
10:42pmMariya  i am a calm person in general
10:42pmVikki  either way i want to do something interesting which is why you are okay with doing work for 7 hours a day :P i mean thats def. admirable
10:43pmMariya  i have to do work for that long
10:43pmVikki  but i'm 21 :( i dont want to feel like ive wasted my youth
10:43pmMariya  one weekend is going to make you feel like you wasted your youth?
10:44pmVikki  well..at least you're learning things you'll be using in your career i've had 2 months full of these weekends thats why i want to actually do something this weekend lol
10:44pmMariya  just look things up
10:44pmVikki  i know i can handle it
10:44pmMariya  can you?
10:44pmVikki  i just thought it would be nice to leave the city
10:44pmMariya  i wonder soemtimes
10:44pmVikki  i mean i have plans for the weekend i just thought id do something different well the problem with looking things up if you want to go with people because thats what makes it fun going by yourself to parties is not fun at all. so my problem lies in finding people to go with rather than finding places to go to especially now that i am 21
10:46pmMariya  surprise surprise vikki story of my life
10:46pmVikki  yep. but thats why ive resorted to craigslist
10:46pmMariya  you remember the spank guy who was on craigslist thats why i dont like the idea
10:47pmVikki  oh yeaaah forgot about him well i shop through the platonic section